A fair deal for both Stay at Home Parents and Working Parents

The other day I signed a petition asking for a fair deal for stay at home parents. Without question, the recent changes and proposed changes are all in some way encouraging particularly mothers to work. Well, in theory they do, because there are so many ifs and buts, nevermind the lack of jobs that things look quite different in practice.

I'm very much in favour of women having the choice to stay at home if this is what they believe is best for their child, or to work if that is what they believe is best for their child. But let's be clear - it's often not exactly a choice.

With living costs being extortionately high, it's really only a choice to stay at home if your partner has a higher than average income. And even that may well not be enough. And if your ideal situation is somewhere in between, it's often not possible to get reduced hours to have a better work - parenting balance, and if you're looking for a job, part time jobs are rare as diamonds.

There are a few things that rather bother me in this context, the first being the wording of  the above petition. It suggests that as a family that uses childcare because both parents work, we are getting benefits from the tax system and therefore cost the state money. This is factually wrong. The truth is that because we both work, we pay tax, and the only benefit we can get is a tax free allowance, so we still pay tax. The economic benefit of working parents is definitely in the black. And as for low income families - they may even miss out on any tax free allowance if their income is so low that they don't pay tax. This, incidentally, is a very serious flaw in the system which has a devastating impact on the lowest earning, working, families.

What is correct though is that there is a good point for having transferable tax free allowances. What I mean by this is that if a couple without children both work, they each have a tax free allowance. Once they have a family and one parent decides to stay at home, the tax free allowance of the none working parent is lost. In other countries, this works differently - if there is only one earner in a family, this person will receive an additional tax free allowance per dependant. So say dad works, his own tax free allowance is 10,000, he'll get another 5,000 for his wife and 2,500 for each child. Higher incomes are taxed more progressively to make up for this (for instance, in the UK, higher rate tax is only applied to income over the threshold amount, while in other countries it's applied to all the income). A system like this does make staying at home affordable also for people on lower incomes.

At the same time I do believe that the taxation and benefit system has to ensure that work pays. This has not yet been achieved, although some of the changes within Universal Credits will make this the case for more people than before (and I hasten to add that other parts of the changes to the benefit system will have a horrendous effect on many family and are really nothing short of shameful). Childcare is so expensive that without support, only high earners can actually afford it.

What is however totally unhelpful in this particular debate (which is about fairness and insuring that staying at home to raise children is valued, respected, supported and a financially viable option for parents) is to propose that either staying at home or being a working mum/dad is the RIGHT choice. When we should actually be supporting each other in our choices, this turn of the argument leads to alienation and bad feelings.

Sure enough there are studies that demonstrates that children are better off at home up to the age of 3 and that long nursery hours in particular can have a detrimental impact on a child's emotional development.

But there are also studies that demonstrate that maternal level of education is the biggest indicator of a child's cognitive and emotional development, and that children who have 2 working parents also do better than children whose parent don't work.It is thought that this is due to the link with higher maternal education and also the financial ability to provide stimulating experiences for children.


Children from low income families, on the other hand, tend to fare really rather bad in the education system and measurements of cognitive and emotional development, and of course quite a few low income families will have one or both parents out of work - so in spite of parents staying at home, children lag behind their peers. The reason for children not doing so well in low income families are complex and there isn't space here to look into it in detail, but let's say it's a combination of many factors which parents themselves have very little influence on.

There is also the question of the quality of childcare - and Liz Truss' proposal to have more under 5s per member of staff, who are trained to be compliant and purposeful (the toddlers, not the staff!) will certainly not make for better childcare.

My own mother was a stay at home mum, and I don't think this made me emotionally more stable - in fact I struggled severely with shyness and low self esteem in childhood, so much so that I loathed going to school throughout my primary years (and I didn't exactly love it in secondary but at least I had some friends by then). I can't help but wonder if I could have benefited from more nursery hours than the 3 hours per day that I got from 4 years of age.

So there is no black and white, no ideal situation. Because we can't exactly all be highly educated mums who then abdicate their blossoming careers in favour of being Stay at Home Mums. Some of us aren't highly educated. Some of us can't find a job. Some of us can't find the part time job we want. Some of us are better parents if they're not full time parents. Most working parents will go through incredible lengths to ensure that the time they do spend with their children is the best it can be. Above all we've all looked at the evidence and made our choices. I know how important it is to reconnect with my children when I get back, we practice most of what falls under attachment parenting (though I don't follow it as a philosophy, it's just what happened to be our preferred style), we spend quality time together and I listen to my children all the time. I work on improving my parenting and can draw from all the knowledge that comes with delivering a parenting programme. I have amazing childcare providers, so amazing that both my children look forward to it and miss it in the holidays.

And while I believe that Cubling started childcare too early (which was outwith my control and I do not feel in any way guilty about it), there is no doubt in my mind that I've given both my children the best possible start in life I can, all considered.

So,  I do not believe that I'm a worse parent for working 4 days a week. I also don't buy into the argument that having a fair deal for Stay At Home Mums is encouraging people to be/stay on benefits (because really, who wants to be on those meagre benefits? Exactly, nobody). We all make or are having to make different and difficult choices but all of us are trying to be the best parent to our children whom we love more than ourselves. And those choices should be respected, valued and viable.

Knitting and Reading

For a while I'd meant to join in with Sustainable Mum to share my knitting and reading over at Yarn Along, just that, truth be told, there was not a lot of reading going on. Reading is definitely the big loser in my life with kids. I used to read, what can I say, an awful lot as befitted a former student of literature times three.

My taste in reading has changed, it has to be so worth it or I won't finish a book. There have been few books in the last few years where I didn't feel I wasted my time. I'm more prone to picking up non fiction than fiction (just because it's easier to dip in and out). And I'm rather suspicious of the big novel. But if I find a good novel, there's no denying it that that's what I love reading.

I came across The Time Traveller's Wife (I found it somewhere, about a year ago) and I seemed to remember it was a book that could work for me. I'm sure almost everyone who is into reading books has read this ages ago, so I won't go into detail other than that I was very tempted to not complete it. I had numerous discussions at work (with those who'd read it) whether to go on or not, because after 200 pages or so I felt it was very much the same again and again, and a drag playing around with the idea of a time traveller out ad nauseam. It took the flu to knock me out for a few days and force me to a lot of bedrest before I managed to finally complete the read. Yes, it did move me, but that's not such a hard thing to do as I'm easily moved by even half decent books. My verdict is still that it could have made its point in at least 300 pages less. This is totally hypocritical of course from the perspective of a busy working mama, I'm sure I'd have loved this book to bits as a 20 something student looking for perfect love. I also felt it was very much a book for women, which I find a bit limiting, but heyho, I am a woman so I guess it didn't matter that much. There are numerous incidents where I really felt that the logic of the whole time travelling shenanigans fell to pieces (does it matter? maybe not but it broke my willingness to suspend my disbelief which in theory is a really bad thing), and for the length of the novel I felt important parts were left out (or rather things I was interested in). So yes, a good read but for my taste it dragged out a fair bit without really making much of a point or giving me anything in the way of stretching my mind/learning something new. Good entertainment without changing my outlook on life or the world even in the slightest. That's ok though, in the same way that I enjoyed the Da Vinci Code, not every book has to be life changing.

A lot of knitting was had on our trip around Dumfries and Galloway / Manchester. I have a good few projects on my needles but can only knit something really easy when travelling in a car without getting car sick, so this project was ideal: It's a jumper knit on 4.5mm needles in the round, stockinette stitch, from bottom up and I managed to get to the point where it needs divided for back/front and need sleeves added. The yarn is Artesano Aran in ocre, which is soft and heavy. The pattern is a version of the jumper that Sarah Lund wears in the Killing (yes, I like a good thriller and I'm nerdy enough to want to knit a Sarah Lund sweater). I'm not quite sure which particular version I'll be making, and that may have to wait a bit because I've got a few more urgent projects coming up, but that's fine because it most certainly is a winter jumper so there's still plenty of time to finish it for next winter. For the trip it was ideal, just plain easy and relaxing knitting and the slight feeling of pride that I'm firmly back into knitting adult sized jumpers (having completed 2 for last winter and another 2 on the needles).

Now off to pick some lovely baby knits for the little ones currently being grown by two friends of mine. I'm not broody, no, not at all...

Dark Skies and Wee Lambs

Last year we found out that the UK's first Dark Sky Park is in Dumfries and Galloway, in Galloway Forest Park to be precise. So we've been trying to get there and see some stars for a little while. Our efforts around mid term weren't too successful as it appeared that every single B&B was booked up, so Easter it was to be. Again, we found it hard to find a B&B that would accommodate 2 children. We were also keen to find a farm to stay on.

Eventually we got lucky and found Boreland Farm. While not exactly around the corner from Galloway Forest Park, we figured that it looked remote enough to have the same dark skies, and the description just sounded perfect.

And so it was. An extremely friendly welcome, a lovely newly converted annexe of the farm for our night time quarters, countless animals, newborn lambs and even pony rides. The B&B is listed as a 3 star, which is surprising as it was really quite high quality. The room had a double and 2 single beds, so it would easily accommodate a family of 5, with en suite facilities and an amazingly hot heating system (I mention this because we don't have this at home, so it was pure luxury having a really warm and cozy room for a change). Breakfast was had in the main farmhouse, which is also the family home, prepared on an Aga in a beautiful dining kitchen. The kids loved to visit the newly born lambs (and Cubling still talks about holding one that was only 2 days old), the ponies, the rabbits and the dogs, or to try and find one of the 3 cats hiding away.

On the second morning we were even treated to proper German waffles, because surprisingly the owners had spent a few holidays in Germany, and not in the usual places where you'd expect people to visit, but actually near my own family's home.

We spent most of the day travelling to various villages nearby and further away. It was still the start of the season so lots was shut or being developed. We loved Kirkcudbright, and the main visitor centre of the Galloway Forest Park (Kirroughtree Visitor Centre) which had an adventure playground, as well as some of the beautiful villages of Dumfries and Galloway, like Moniaive and Thornhill. Moniaive has the most amazing Green Tea House and we definitely have to be back to test their wonderfully looking cakes. In the artists town of Kirkcudbright we went for a little walk and found a wee gallery with a tea shop, but had a picnic lunch outside after much driving. The kids enjoyed the green spaces dotted about the colourful, Balamory-houses, town. Gatehouse of Fleet has an old cotton/bobbin mill which really inspired the kids' imagination. They loved to explore and touch the bobbins of all kind of sizes, get dressed up in old clothes, and explore what the town looked like in the 18th century.

The weather was fully with us, with wonderful sunshine and one night of clear dark sky so we even were lucky enough to see the dark skies. Because of the continuing cold spell there was still a lot of snow around which made our short walks around the farm fields a long adventure. Just the right pace for a 2 1/2 year old who won't walk unless it involves balancing.

Sometimes badly planned trips work out just perfectly - we didn't have a plan, or any knowledge of what we were doing/seeing. All we had was a map and a car and we discovered some really wonderful places at a slow pace without racing here or there to manage this or that. There were so many little moments that the kids enjoyed that couldn't have been planned anyway, like riding a pony, climbing a tree, finding a treasure or stroking a dog (a big thing for Snowflake who has never ever touched a furry animal before), or simply enjoying their imaginary play in the rare Scottish sunshine. Oh I forgot to mention the sticks. They were very important too. I'm not sure what for, but they were. I think they may have been ponies, and given the names of Beau and Willow.

A trip to Legoland (Discovery Centre, Manchester)

Somehow our holiday plans are always a little bit last minute. So in an attempt to get away for a few days with minimal hassle, we went on a little trip to Dumfries and Galloway and then Legoland Discovery Centre Manchester, keeping the latter as a surprise for Cubling.

Everything was booked ahead online, which was good because online tickets are cheaper. We stayed in the Trafford Centre Premier Inn, which is truly a child friendly place (pre children I never expected that it can actually be difficult finding any accommodation that will allow a family of 4 in a room) with great service and good food. So convenient too for Legoland and the price tag was very decent too.

The Trafford Shopping Centre is quite remarkable with its Greek/Roman feel to it, it's nice and spacious but this does translate to longer walks and multiple signs for Legoland so that eventually a P1 child spotted the word "Legoland". Ah well, a surprise it was nonetheless!

Although we had missed our allocated entry slot, we still got priority entry because we had prepaid tickets - just as well because the other queue was impressive. Cubling was totally in awe by the amount of lego and the lifesize things made from lego, and loved everything about it, and her sister clearly joined in.

However. Now, it needs to be said we were there during Easter holidays, so it was probably a bit busier than usual (I hope), but my experience of the day was that we went from one queue to the next. First a queue to get in (and we were lucky it was the shorter one), then a queue for the intro talk, then a queue for the first ride, and another 5 queues for other attractions. Most queues involved about half an hour standing, which is difficult with a 2 1/2 year old. What annoyed me too was that the queues were very well hidden, so you only realised the length when it was too late to turn back.

The rides were all mediocre - now I say that because I've seen much better, but for a 6 year old they were all she could wish for, and she was totally happy and loved the whole day. For a 42 year old, well, she had a splitting headache, got very grumpy and was only saved by the kindness and helpfulness of the centre staff whom she couldn't but feel very sorry for. It occurred to me that I wasn't sure how they would evacuate the masses in case of a fire.

I was disappointed by the size of the centre, it was much smaller than I expected - again, this is not something that the kids noticed, they were very happy and didn't complain once (ok, they did make the mistake of exiting the soft play not realising that you'd have to queue again to get back in but they did take it in their stride) but I would have expected a bigger and more spectacular attraction. I did wonder how it compares with Legoland Windsor, or Legoland in Denmark for that matter.


So personally, I wouldn't go again or recommend it. If you live in Scotland, it is easier to get to than Windsor (which is why we made the trip) with just a 3.5 hour car journey from Glasgow.

A day at the beech

I'd almost forgotten how amazing it is that we live so close to the sea. There is always so much to see and do very close to us, so we hardly make it to the beach and even trips to the coast don't usually end up there. As someone who grew up a 4 hour drive from the coast (and without a car to make that journey), the sea will never lose its magic.

Yes, it was 4 degrees and the hills were still covered in snow. I may have been brought up with sea and sand equalling summer and swimming, but really, I never liked swimming anyway so personally I don't have an issue with the temperature. And the kids didn't complain either. There were treasures found, shells collected and dinosaur footprints created, apart from rather a lot of running about on the flats at low tide (our timing had been perfect).

I like the way toddlers are naturals at yoga poses. Unlike their mama.

We did have ice cream because surely, a trip to the beach without an ice cream just doesn't feel right.

We also had the most amazing late lunch at Popeye's.

The Day she's been waiting for for a year

The excitement knows no bounds. She's been waiting for this day for weeks, no months. There's been a count down and a whole range of ways of saying that she's not just 5, but something approaching 6, including 5 and four quarters (no, that's the same as 6 - no it isn't - yes it is, believe me, I know maths - no it isn't, it says 5 so it can't be). For 6 years, we've been waiting for the daffodils to mark the day, this year the only daffodils in bloom are in the house and contributed to the excitement. How very special though to have a white birthday!

So here she is, a tall 6 year old already bursting out of her first school clothes, two milk teeth gone and replaced with teeth to last her a lifetime, a girl in charge of her own (this is my party and I can invite anyone I like, sure I can? This is my body I can wear what I like).

A girl who understands that this year there won't be a cat because her little sister is oh so very scared of animal of any shape and form.

Full of contradictions too - so very shy with people and children she does not know or who come in large groups, and so confident socially with those she does know. A child who can spent hours on end practising her skipping, her hearts or princesses but who won't sit still ever for her food. A girl with endless energy who is never ever tired at the end of a long day but can't get herself out of bed in the morning.

A girl who'd rather spend a day with her sister than one with just her mum or dad, who still rather plays with her sister or her parents than any toy. A girl who is forever on the lookout for something new and exciting and finds it rather boring to go to school 5 days a week (who can blame her).

A girl who has the most beautiful hair which she won't have cut but still longs for curls (and I totally know what she means, I also still long for curls). A 6 year old who still loves her cuddles and doesn't get nearly enough because her little sister is oh so jealous of cuddles, yet she always understands and shares them.

A girl who turned my life around and made me learn so much. A girl who personifies exuberance, who doesn't do things by half.

Have a magical sixth birthday my wild, smart and beautiful child.

No synchronicity

Snowflake has always had slightly weird sleeping patterns. Not one to settle easily in the evening, we went with the flow and she would doze in the living room until I went to bed and then sleep quite well. It was always hard getting her to sleep before 11pm, but eventually, we got there, with a lot of staying with her, letting her sleep in my bed and at Christmas, she moved in with her sister into her Hello Kitty bed (where she falls asleep with mummy beside her).

Now we have a more appropriate bedtime routine, appropriate for a 6.30am start to get the kids to childcare and me into work for 9am.

Nightweaning was a longwiding process and I hoped it would bring sleep through nights. Not so. Like an internal Swiss clock, Snowflake wakes at 4am and transfers to our bed, which is fine. However, recently she's taken to not sleeping properly after that.

Which would be fine if I went to bed earlier than 1am. I know, it would be the reasonable thing to do to hit the sack at 10pm or something like that. Alas, my most awake time is between 10 and 1am. I've tried to go to bed early, I can't sleep. So I fall asleep at 1am and get woken at 4am, which sounds pretty serious, but actually, I don't feel as bad as it sounds. That doesnt' meant that I don't need more sleep, I do, I am left without energy at the end of the night and don't manage more than watch iplayer or spend too much time on facebook. I don't like what I've become in the evenings, a total couch potato so much unlike my own self. I can't even be bothered to blog anymore. And if that isn't serious, I don't know what is.

So now that I've managed to get Snowflake into a decent bedtime routine, any tips how to get myself into one? I could even get up with her at 4am and use that time rather than spend hours of my life unsuccessfully trying to coerce her back to sleep.

My name is Cartside and I let my daughter sleep in a blue cot

As Snowflake gets older we're slowly but surely passing on all things baby stuff. I'm not one to just throw things out, most items are in perfect condition and I could never just bin it, so I try my best to find someone who could make use of it.

This has led to the odd chuckle.

I must be a really bad mum. Imagine, I let my girl sleep in a blue cot. Oh my. And I prevented her from falling out of the bed with a blue bed guard. Oh the shame. (I still live in hope that there's redemption for me because both were actually hardly used at all.)

Now, I'm totally resigned to the choices my girls make, and Cubling is pink ballerina princess incarnate. We have so much pink in the house it makes me sick. But it's ok I tell myself (although I'm very tempted to rid ourselves of the chair with her name on it that says "I want to be a ballarina, pop star, stewardess, nurse), she loves pink and is just a lot more girlie than I ever was. Thankfully her sister happily declares she's a boy because she's George and her big sister is Peppa. That's fine too, I quite like to pretend I've got one each occasionally.

But it seems that I live in a land where pink and blue aren't optional but compulsory. You mustn't dress your girl in anything not pink. You mustn't use any toy that is not pink. You mustn't use a blue cot. A colleague introduced her new baby girl who was dressed in something blue and everyone assumed it was a boy. It wasn't baby blue, it was a colour that to me didn't shout out boy and I'd never have made a gender assumption based on the colour of that outfit, so much so that I noticed the various people surrounding her that did call the baby "he".

You see, I'm trying to sell or give away the stuff and have offered things to people desperate for them, only to be told, sorry I have a girl so was really looking for something pink?

People of the kind responding to my gumtree and netmums adverts, I have 2 (TWO) girls and I'm sick to the bone of pink, I promise you your daughter will not even notice they are sleeping in a blue cot or are kept inside the bed by a blue bed guard. I'm not just being terrorised by my older daughter now, but also by fellow mums who I would have thought would be as tired of the omnipresent pink as I was. It's a pink army out there, I tell you.

I mean, I'm really not trying to make a point of clothing my girls in neutral stuff. They wouldn't wear it. I'm not radical and totally ride the wave of my girls' preferences which very often are pink to my dismay. But I'm really surprised that fellow mums have subscribed to the pink marketing to this extend. Welcome to the kingdom of pink. By extension, how can we expect our daughters to choose anything other than what offer them in the pink world of toys and equipment. They will go for the fluffy pink underpaid and undervalued jobs, eventually realising that those don't pay enough to justify staying in work only to become financially dependent and end up on low pensions, on benefit or in low income, insecure jobs. They will choose to want to become nurses rather than doctors and stewardesses rather than pilots. Then have children and leave the job market. And so we perpetuate the gender pay gap and gender inequality, as well as the outcomes of our next generation because maternal education levels are the single most important indicator of educational outcomes of children.

Brave new world that has such pink people in it.

Wishlist

With her sixth birthday fast approaching, I asked Cubling what she'd like for a present.

"I'd like a cat. And if I can't have a cat, I want a rabbit. And if I can't have that, I want a guinea pig.
I want a real magic wand. One with which you can do real magic.
I want a dress with a magic button. When you press the button, you'll become a real princess with curly hair and there's a real prince charming right beside you and the dress becomes a real wedding dress.
I want a Cinderella dress, and a real treasure map"

At which point I finally managed to stop the flow of enthusiastic ideas delivered with sparkling eyes and absolute faith that all of this was a real possibility.

I shouldn't have asked. Something tells me someone may be set up for disappointment.

Review: Polarn O. Pyret children's clothes

In an ideal world, what would your favourite kids clothes look like? What would be the most important feature?

For me, it's practicality (I'm that kind of person and it's top in my adults' clothes list too). Easy to wash, easy to wear, good quality hard wearing so it lasts and withstands high activity usage. And if it could be unisex please so it can be passed on to siblings who may not be both girls as in our case, wouldn't that be good?

I've said it before that I don't like children's clothes that are too gendered. I mean, I do like a pretty dress, and I totally go along with my girls' love of dressing up, playing princess and ballerina. But it really gets me when I go to a clothes shop and there's not one decent girls' coat that keeps them warm and dry rather than look pretty.

So along comes Polarn O. Pyret and sends me some clothes to review, I'm one happy bunny I can tell you. Polarn O.Pyret ticks all the above boxes, plus the clothes are made from organic cotton and grow with your child. It's all about quality, durability and a style which is mostly (but not exclusively) unisex and still looks great on kids.

Bottom line is I'm in love with their range.

Yes, the clothes cost a bit more than other ranges, but if you consider they grow with your child, are hardwearing and can be passed on to siblings even if you have one each... suddenly it doesn't look quite so dear anymore.

So we tried and tested a size 3-4 outfit for Snowflake (who is still in 18-24 months clothes) and although there is LOTS of room to grow into, they also can be worn already. Same for Cubling - size 6-8 years for my 5 year old and already good to go with clearly space to grow into.

And then look at this awesomeness:

And as for Cubling's outfit: It's blue and she says she likes it. That's a first, honest (and I had been a tad worried when the clothes arrived and I saw the stripy blue top). Snowflake is not too fussy with her clothes but has her own views nonetheless and she also gave me a big thumbs up. All bar the flowery print leggings can be washed up to 60 degrees, the fabrics are super soft and pleasant on the skin. The pink trousers (size 3-4 years) are so adjustable that they can be made to fit even my tiny 2 year old and the top as you can see is a bit long but looks snug on her.

You can find Polarn O. Pyret at your local Fraser's or online at www.polarnopyret.co.uk and with the offer code in the picture above (just click on it), you'll get 15% off your first order on full priced items. You can also follow PO.P on facebook.

Disclaimer: I received clothes samples to review. All opinions expressed are as always mine.